So I have had the occasion to travel a LOT in the last year and a half. There is truly no better place to people-watch (other than maybe Walmart or Disney World) than our nation’s airports. Am I right?
Naturally, I get the desire to be comfortable when flying – but there are several things I observe when flying that absolutely make me NUTS! They can pretty much be summed up by this one statement – THE PLANE IS NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM! Here is a little list of what I believe should be hard airplane rules – feel free to add your very own in the comments!
#1 – CHECK YOUR BAG! Ok…I get it. You don’t want to have to wait at baggage claim. But seriously, if you can barely get that sucker down the aisle without clobbering people that are already seated and even a harder time getting it up into the overhead, then it needs to be checked! Get one of those credit cards that give you a free checked bag, and then check it and forget it!
#2 – PLEASE wear something that resembles actual clothes – NOT your pajamas, and not anything that looks as though some part of your body is going to pop out at any moment. That includes your boobies, your backside/crack, or even your hairy beer belly when you lift your arms to wrestle your oversized bag into the overhead compartment (see #1).
#3 – LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON! No one wants to see/smell/think about your smelly toes touching ANYTHING around them! Again – the plane is not your living room! And if you happen to be wearing flip flops, your toes need to be properly groomed! No one wants to see your nasty-ass man feet with scraggly toenails! And ladies – as a wise friend once said – “if you can’t take care of your toes, it makes people wonder what else you aren’t taking care of!” Cue the “ewwwwwww!” But really…
#5 – Ladies – your hair needs to stay on your head in your own seat area – if you feel the need to “fluff” or toss – save it for when you can do so without whipping the people around you. Oh, and that includes tossing your long hair over your headrest into the seat area behind you. Yes, that really happens.
#6 – For the love of GOD – if you have the need to pass gas, break wind, or whatever else you’d like to call it – PLEASE save us all by heading to the lavatory and doing it in private. Just because you are surrounded by people when you do it and you think that makes it somehow more “anonymous,” believe me – we know who you are! And if you couple your nasty actions with the aforementioned scraggly toes or exposed body parts, it only makes us wonder if your momma taught you anything!
#7 – If you have boobs, you need to be wearing a bra! And this is made all the more critical if they are the size of milk jugs! They do not need to be let loose in an oversized t-shirt, or even worse, some sort of cami or tank top. I don’t care if you paid a ton of money for them or if you’ve just “given up” – those puppies need to be caged!
#8 – Cover your FACE if you are coughing, hacking, clearing your throat loudly, sneezing, blowing your nose, or otherwise doing anything that involves mucous and germs leaving your body. I mean, we all know that sometimes you have allergies or a cold and you can’t help doing it, AND we realize that we are sitting in an enclosed tube of recirculating air and will be exposed to your germs anyway – BUT please at least give the 6 rows of people around you some hope that you are not purposely just trying to give your cold away to anyone you can! Please?
#9 – Ease the seat back please! I mean, we all know the seats have gotten about as small as they can get. I am not a particularly tall person, but when the person in front of me slams the seat back as hard as possible without warning, my kneecaps tend to feel a bit like I imagine Nancy Kerrigan felt when Jeff Gillooly whacked her during the Olympic Games! Would it be too difficult to ease it back or even just turn and let me know so I can make sure my knees don’t end up bruised?
#10 – Ok, so this is #10 so I will stop, even though I think I could keep going for a while…what’s with the slamming of the overhead compartment doors? I mean, do you slam the doors in your house every time you come and go? They latch, people! Just gently close them! Good lord, flying is stressful enough without being subject to the rude, super loud SLAM of the overhead bin door! KaBOOM! And yes, I’m speaking to the flight attendants on this one too! Literally makes me nearly jump out of my skin – and I’m sure it takes years off my life, especially when I don’t see it coming!
I absolutely love the opportunity to wake up in one place and land in another within only a few hours! Unfortunately, the getting there is not as glamorous as it sounds. Flights are full and planes are cramming in as many seats as possible, making the space crowded. And when people treat the flights like they are sitting in their living room, all kinds of unsightliness occurs. I have seen diapers changed on the tray tables (GACK!), toenails being cut mid-flight, flossing of teeth, painting of fingernails, bare feet on the back of seats at tray table height, and we all know the legends of the “mile-high club!”
I mean, c’mon! The plane is NOT your living room! What ever happened to pure, simple manners? I mean, what would you mom say if she saw you doing what you are doing? Or your boss? Can we bring some dignity back to the skies please?
Would love to hear your stories – please DO comment!